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My social distancing skills are now god-tier (The Universe)

I have to admit, prior to COVID-19 I was almost in despair. I was already a Master-level Social Distancer, having been practicing the skill for my entire adult life. I had no friends; I didn't fit with my own family; the woman I loved decided to social-distance me. I haven't even seen my own dog in awhile, I hope he's still alive out there somewhere. How could someone as elite as I hope to progress even further?

Of course, there are other Legendary Masters of Social Distancing out there. They are just so good at their art that I could never hope to actually ever see them. I suspect they live alone in the coldest, most forbidding reaches of the icy tiaga (whatever the heck "tiaga" is), or the dark humid depths of Darkest Peru, or maybe possibly in basements. Sadly, part of the art of Social Distancing is that true Masters never, ever meet. The universe would surely end if two of them ever coincided in the same place at once; it would be like an infinite body of antimatter colliding with an infinite body of matter: Mutually Assured Social Annihilation Culminating in the Ruination of Everything Extant. (MASACREE for short.)

But then COVID-19 arrived. Now I will never have to see another human being as long as I live. Glorious! Keep the stimulus checks rolling in! I will surely vote for whichever party gives me more money!

Keep your distance!
  • do NOT contact me with unsolicited services or offers

post id: 7098927425


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